A friend of mine was retelling his most recent dating experience. “Things were going pretty well. We had been on three dates, had multiple heart-felt conversations and one good-night kiss. She could be the one! And then I got ghosted.” I gave a cockeyed glance and asked, “You got what?” 

Ghosted. 

If you’re not up-to-date with more recent colloquialisms, you probably haven’t heard of ghosting. There are lots of definitions out there, but Urban Dictionary defines ghosting this way: When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they’re dating, with zero warning or notice before hand. You’ll mostly see them avoiding friend’s phone calls, social media, and avoiding them in public.

Definitions like this one make the practicing of ghosting almost unbelievable. Why would someone behave this way? From my perspective I wonder why people can’t just have a conversation and be an adult.  “Sorry man, you’re not my dream guy.” “This isn’t going to work out; your politics bother me.” “I just don’t like you.” The alternative—disappear like a ghost. Enter the witness protection program. Change your name. Facial reconstruction surgery. Whatever it takes, I guess.

Thankfully, I’m old enough to have never been ghosted in a romantic relationship. I dated when letter writing and long-distance phone calls were my primary means of communication. When a relationship ended, you knew about it. But I have been ghosted in recent days. Hundreds of times, in fact. Well, maybe I haven’t personally been ghosted, but the church I pastor gets ghosted all the time.

THE NEW CASPERS

Meet Frank and Sally. This young couple has been visiting our church for a couple of months. Young and vibrant and enthusiastic about our mission and weekend ethos. They share their story at a small group. They even come and help feed the poor with us one Saturday. Their background and experience will make them ideal members for our young community. We have dinner and laugh and cry and relay the perfect timing of God and his community. Frank and Sally will be part of our church for many years. This we know.

Then the rapture happened—but just to Frank and Sally. Or at least that is our explanation. No, that’s not what happened. We got ghosted.

It got me thinking about why people ghost the church. I’m sure there are all sorts of reasons people come and go. Consumerism is always a helpful explanation. It makes sense. People are searching for the perfect place, people, and product that fits their busy life. Church shoppers want the best experience at the lowest cost. Let’s just admit it, we’ve become spiritual shoppers. I’d also imagine it has something to do with a lack of commitment in younger generations. Gone are the days when people simply stayed because it was the right thing to do. We’ve stopped giving gold watches to those who do a job for 30 years because people don’t stay at jobs for 30 years anymore. 

THE CHURCH GHOSTED FIRST

I think the primary reason people have become increasingly comfortable ghosting the church is because the church taught them how. The church ghosted first. Once again, this happens for any number of reasons. 

1 .  First, the advent of the mega church has made it almost impossible for pastoral care to happen. Meaning, pastors stopped showing up because there were just too many to shepherd. A small percentage are too interested in the stage and spotlight than in the minutia of soul care. All the skinny jeans and hair product we can slather on has only reinforced that in the most critical times of people’s lives, the church that is truly needed can only be found on a webcast.

2.  Secondly, a twisted pastoral theology is taking hold in young pastors that is convincing us that we need to get rid of “problem people.” This kind of ghosting will only increase as some of the great pastoral theologians like Eugene Peterson take their position in the great cloud of witnesses. This heretical practice touted by the experts tells those in charge, “Quit wasting your time with those who will never contribute. They want to leave your church? Let them! Start spending your time with the winners and givers.” I get it, but then my mind drifts to the people Jesus came for—the sick and broken and weary. You know, the problem people. Because of our poor theology, the church has ghosted those who need the church most. 

3.  Thirdly, pastors might as well be called Casper. That’s how much pastors ghost their church. The average tenure of a senior pastor in America is three years. Just long enough to preach their best sermons, cast a shallow vision, pad a resume, and move on to greener pastures. Anyone who has logged any real time in a local church has been ghosted by many senior pastors. They come with all the right language and intent. I’m in this with you. We are co-laborers. I want to walk in deep places with you. Then one day they are gone, just like the pastor before them. Ghosted.

This makes me sad. 

Until pastors repent, put on incarnational flesh, and decide to stay put in a local church for a long while, this phenomenon of ghosting will only increase. But until then, I’m going to do my best to love the Frank and Sallys who come and go. Maybe one day, they’ll see me stay and they’ll decide in their hearts that it’s time for them to stay too.