I thought she was The One—the mystical and romantic unicorn. Krechelle Durden. Out of the blue, she broke up with me. I was convinced this 6th grade romance was going all the way to the altar. But Krechelle moved on without even looking back. [Cue the violin.] What makes this story even more painful is that she didn’t just break my heart—she broke my heart over the phone. When I asked why she would end such a beautiful thing . . .
She said I was too short.
True story.
To her credit, I was short. Just a few inches taller than a hobbit if my memory serves. My tiny heart was broken and my hairy feet marched on. In the days that followed I thought to myself, “Surely she knows I will grow one day. She has to be aware that I’m not always going to be shopping in the little boys’ section.” Thankfully, middle school romance is over now. I grew up and I did find my mystical unicorn.
I dredge up this story of Junior High drama because it reminds me of something that still goes on in my current context. People leave churches—break up with their community—for reasons equally as dumb as why Krechelle broke up with me. I’ve been pastoring long enough to have been given my fair share of bad reasons. For clarity, there are a few good reasons to leave a church. You can read them here. But for this conversation I’d like to share seven dumb reasons to leave your church, all of which I’ve heard up close and personal:
1. I got my feelings hurt. I place this at number one because more people leave the church under the auspice of, “We prayed about leaving and God gave us a peace about it.” But what they really should have said was, “Those jerks hurt my feelings and because I have zero idea how to resolve conflict in a way that honors people and God, I’m just going to leave and go somewhere else where people don’t hurt my feelings!” I try to coach people by reminding them that wherever people are, unmet expectations and hurt feelings will be present as well. I plead with church people: Stay in your community and work it out!
2. I’m not getting fed. I don’t want to minimize the responsibility of pastors. We have a beautiful burden to feed the sheep (John 21). And I know some pastors don’t cut the mustard in rightly dividing the Word. There are some that should not be leading in that way. But most pastors I know are passionate and thoughtful in their approach to the scriptures. So when I hear someone say those painful words, what is often implied is: I have no other source of spiritual food except what I’m fed on Sunday mornings. I don’t want to open my own bible. I’m not interested in feeding myself so I need an eight-course meal that is funny and passionate and serious and also deeply theological . . . every week. When I hear church people say these words I plead with them: Stay and learn to feed yourself. You’ll enjoy the preaching that much more when you do.
3. People aren’t very nice. This one can be true. But I like to remind church people that churches are designed to be filled with broken people. Fractured marriages, confused identities, addicted bodies, and lonely hearts fill our auditoriums every weekend. In fact, on any given Sunday it can feel like an Emergency Room. Nice, it turns out, isn’t usually the first order of business when people are in spiritual triage. So I tell church people: Be on mission. Look for the hurting and get involved and you will never again notice how un-nice people are again.
4. The church down the street . . . New churches have a scent of sexy to them—like a new coffee house or hip restaurant; we want to go where the action is. I get that. At one time our church, because it was new, had a reputation that was cool and hip. Then we weren’t new and no longer had that reputation. Leaving one church for another because of what it offers is a dangerous dip into consumer Christianity. Like Christ, we are not present to be served but to serve. This unfortunate mentality has drifted into every other context—marriage, vocation, and location. We are discontented people and long for the next thing that will satisfy our hearts. I tell church people often: If you are unhappy here, you will be unhappy there. Deal with you and your heart and you’ll find you can thrive anywhere.
5. I feel God more at another church. We’ve all been in worship environments where it is thick with the presence of God. Those are precious times to hold onto. But when church people run from church to church to church because that is where the Holy Spirit is now working, I cringe. Chasing a feeling, an experience, or one more moment is a form of idolatry. We are to chase after God. This idea of one more and bigger experience is akin to a married couple seeking to up-the-ante from one sexual climax to another. I tell church people who are chasing after revival: Stay put and chase after God.
6. I don’t like some of the changes. Nobody likes change. And yet the one thing we can all count on is change—even in the church. The music changes, pastors change, styles and ministry approaches change. Our one constant, ironically, is change. So when I hear the rumblings of church people and their discomfort with change, whether it be carpet color or the mission initiative, I tell them: The world is changing and we need you to be flexible so we can reach as many people as possible.
7. I’ve decided to do church at home. I used to call it Bedside Baptist. Or I’m a member at Pillow Presbyterian. Church at home is usually code for I don’t like how these leaders are running the joint and I will just do it by myself. And frankly, what usually starts out with pure intentions and ideas of family worship, bible study, and deep prayer usually turns into an anointed time of Netflix. For clarity, there are some healthy home church movements, but I have yet to see one up close that has endured. So when I hear church people say they’re gonna hang with the homeys I beg them: Don’t isolate. Stay close. Be present and you will be surprised by God’s persevering grace in the gathering of the saints.
Do you have any other dumb reasons you would add? Let me know.
Jon, would you please share with me the difference in streaming the service versus being there live? How about people that attend a video venue? Specifically, I have attended the same church for years and know very little about anyone there. Everyone is happy and nice when it is greeting time, but I never see these people during the week and they make no difference in my spiritual walk. I have tried to share my name, and start a conversation, but “worship time” starts and everyone runs to their seats. Then after the service, everyone runs to their cars and the church resets for the next service.
Streaming Services, or watching them at home gives me a more intimate connection with God and the message preached. If I miss part of it, I can watch it again. My church auto drafts my tithe so they don’t miss me. Small groups in the church only meet for 8 weeks……8 1-2 hour settings. hardly enough to get to know people. Then it is off to the next “semester of Small Groups.”
I am seriously thinking of starting a home church in my neighborhood. At least we would see each other more than on Sunday for an hour. Maybe we could meet longer than 6-8 weeks and really get to know each other? What do you think?
Hey Mark! Great questions and certainly not a one-size-fits-all answer. My initial response to doing church at home or streaming a sermon instead of being present with others is a matter of homogeny and service. That is, the bent of our broken hearts is we like to gather with people like us. Birds of a feather and such. However, the church, by design, is diverse (men/women, ages, cultures, socio-economic) and calls us to embrace diversity. When we do church on our own, or only with those we invite into our home, it short-circuits the design of God. Rarely will you have opportunity to engage a widow or orphan or refugee in your house. Of course, you may have some interaction outside of church, but I find most people stay in their lane M-F (go to work, go home, close the garage door) and are much less missional than they would like to think of themselves. Secondly, the gathered church is your opportunity to use your gifts to serve those in the body of Christ in a regular, consistent and systemic way. Of course, you may be using your giftings between Sundays, but again, I find most people are caught up in the rhythm of work, home, work, home, weekend rut. Church is the reminder to get outside of yourself on a regular basis.
Just a thought–it may be time to look for a community that is a bit smaller than your current church–a family style kind of church. There are different kinds of church cultures and perhaps you are in one that isn’t a great fit. It may be what you need in this season of life.
Starting a home church is also an option. But with a BIG caveat. Don’t start a home [church] as a response. Anything with this kind of weight needs to be born out of distinct leading of the Holy Spirit and with accountability, leadership, and spiritual covering.
Just my thoughts. Thanks for sharing!