“Wounds from a friend can be trusted . . .” Proverbs 27:6
“A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity.” Proverbs 17:17
Middle schoolers are mean. If you know, you know. I know, because I was one of them. My very best friend in the 7th grade was first an enemy. He was an outsider and new to Howard Bishop Middle School. I was one of the popular kids. I reveled in the rights and privileges of the cool kid’s lunch table. I was also a gigantic turd—mean, cutting in my sarcasm, and eager to make others feel small. My 7th grade swagger down the middle school hallway still embarrasses me. The day I met my future best friend he picked me up over his head and threw me into a dumpster outside of the school cafeteria. 200 middle schoolers gawked and laughed as they watched me take a swim in week-old piles of macaroni and cheese. With popularity now squarely in my past, my new best friend was helping me be a better middle school human. He took it upon himself to tell me when I was being cruel or self-centered or selfish. Neither of us knew Jesus, but a common grace was shaping us both. My 7th-grade self was looking through a keyhole into something I would later see in fullness—real friends hurt your feelings.
A DOORWAY INTO MATURITY
Now decades later, I know the truth that friendship is the primary doorway into gospel maturity—friendship with people and friendship with God. Of course, there are other ways God draws us into Christian maturity (pain, marriage, vocation, etc.), but there is something unique to the gift and grace of friendship that shapes our hearts towards deeper trust and gospel grit. A long arc of bearing burdens (Gal. 6:2, Ecc. 4:10), soul-stirring (Proverbs 27:17), and intercessory prayer (Job 16:20) are marks of a true friend.
And a true friend hurts our feelings.
Jesus cares about what happens to us. If he did not care, he would not call us friends (John 15:15). In other words, a real friend is not happy to see us shipwreck our lives and will love us enough to tell us when we are wrong, foolish, self-centered, egotistical, lazy, self-righteous, and drifting.
Being this kind of friend is hard. Having this kind of friend is a gift. Because . . .
A real friend tells us to get off social media because we’re making Jesus look bad. We are not a people of by-the-second outrage, but a people of long-suffering prayerfulness.
A real friend encourages us to stop complaining about our circumstances. Jesus can be enough for us in the harshest storm.
A real friend challenges us to forgive the way Jesus forgave. Our friends know the past can be an anchor that sinks us to the bottom of an ocean of hate.
A real friend challenges our views on politics & cultural ideologies. We are exiles and sojourners in this broken world.
A real friend reminds us of our worth, identity, and calling that Jesus has given us. We are not what we produce. We are not what we curate for those on social media.
A real friend won’t let us lie to ourselves or to others. We are created to walk in the light and in the power of the truth.
Friendship is what you and I are made for. It’s one of the gospel treasures given to us if we are willing to have our feelings hurt and be made stronger, wiser, kinder, and more loving because of it.
Where is Howard Bishop School?
Yeah, parents can do those things too.
I marvel at the folks on Facebook and other places that are seeking to “just be themselves.” I don’t want to be myself, so I need friends like you are describing.
Thanks bro.
Howard Bishop Middle…Gainesville, FL. Tough place to be a pre-pubescent teenager. 🙂 Thanks my friend!
Enjoyed reading this Jon..well done and so true!
Jen
Jon- thank you – you are a true word-smith. Through what I am sure took some time to compose you’ve crafted an “artless” post (remembering, “True art seems artless” [or effortless]) that is engaging and easy to relate to. You’ve captured here something of the essence of one of the greatest treasures we can experience (and long for) this side of heaven: true friendship.
So, in that vein (of iron sharpening iron) I will bring my dull axe into play: the one place (to me) where the tool slipped on the workman’s bench (only slightly scarring this otherwise beautiful piece) was with the phrase “common grace”. I understand the theological distinction – but I wonder if there is not an undertow effect that pulls us more toward separation as opposed to the reconciliation of all things – the very purpose of God in Christ (2 Cor.5; Col.1)? I guess I want to ask, what is so “common” about grace in any of its manifestations? As here, is not the gift of true (even if imperfect) friendship (even before coming to acknowledge Christ) perhaps some part of the grand conspiracy of God in our lives, working in all things to bring us to repentance and trust in our Saviour?
“It is the kindness of God that leads us to repentance”.
And even in two oft cited references to said “common grace” – there is a familial and intimate aspect: the Father makes His sun and rain fall on the just and the unjust – and He does so as evidence of His goodness even to the pagans, “from heaven giving rains to us, and fruitful seasons, filling our hearts with food and gladness”. Does He do so only to compound our guilt – or to lead us to repentance? I am convinced of the latter. And the most “common” of graces is the utter gift of our very existence in Him, “in whom we live and move and have our being”. Common? In Paul’s inspired stream of consciousness, his next and deeply connected observation, “For we are His offspring”. I think we tend to make far too little of that statement – if anything at all. And therein lies my complaint: things put into the “common” bin are often grossly unappreciated if not ignored. But in a Christ soaked world (Who fills all things in every way, Who holds all things together) – we “swim” in His immanent, personal presence – but, like goldfish in water, largely unaware.
Forgive me – I am probably straining at theological gnats and swallowing camels… (and – to a hammer everything is an occasion for a nail 🙂
So let me end with something positive: thank you for returning to the blogosphere! Thank you for your pastor’s heart! And thank you for using your great gift to communicate the Abounding Grace (“common” or otherwise) of our Lord and Saviour, who through true friends we freshly encounter a fresh incarnation of the very archetype of Friend, Jesus the Christ!
Wayne, you’re super kind. However, you are the word-smith. I re-read your response twice…so rich!
Thanks, Jon – your response shows humility and wisdom (at the very least for not being defensive and for not taking me to task, which I know you are quite capable of doing!
As with many things “online” – you wish there was a “take back” button. I launched the missive above in the hopes it might be useful (but then thought better of it – but, alas, too late!)
So thanks for your kindness and patience (also true marks of enduring friendships) – and letting this old man vent and hold forth on some probably obscure, esoteric point of order 🙂 I will sincerely try and not be troll-ish with forthcoming posts, which I very much look forward to!