With a growing number of Christian millennials saying evangelism is wrong, it is becoming increasingly more important to help people learn how to talk about Jesus with friends and family. And while most evangelicals (73%) agree sharing their faith should be central to their faith journey, almost half (52%) have never had a single conversation about faith with someone outside of a church community. It makes me wonder, Why are we so tentative to share the most beautiful news in the universe? Even noted atheist Penn Jillete says, “I’ve always said that I don’t respect people who don’t proselytize . . . If you believe that there’s a heaven and a hell, and people could be going to hell or not getting eternal life, and you think that it’s not really worth telling them this because it would make it socially awkward—how much do you have to hate somebody to not proselytize?” These are hard words to read. But still, we are nervous and afraid of what people will think. Self-conscious of our own frailties and inconsistencies, it feels safer to quote St. Francis, “Preach the gospel at all times. If necessary, use words.” 

The thing is, words are always necessary. Always. Of course, good works and kindness and generosity must be present in the life of a Christ-follower. But words are necessary too. 

In my own limited experience, I have feared having these faith conversations because I don’t want to break a friendship. I don’t want people in my life to feel like spiritual targets or personal projects. They’re not, of course. They are people with feelings and preconceived ideas and personal experiences that matter. But if Penn Jillete is right, to not share with them is the most unloving thing I can do. So I created a grid for my conversations. A rubric of sorts that helps me enter a spiritual conversation with honesty. Anytime I talk to someone about Jesus, I always keep these phrases on the forefront of my lips:

1. I don’t know. This may be the most loving phrase in our relational arsenal. Among the social media elite, Christians have become more known for seeking to be right than seeking to be loving. Yet I’ve never met a person who has come to faith in Christ because they lost an argument. So I lay down my arguments and I love. When I am presented with a question I don’t have an answer for (which happens often), I simply say, “I’m not sure. I don’t know.” Often times, this little moment of legitimate transparency moves the conversation to a place I could never move it on my own. Why? Because like my faith, life is filled with mystery. And that’s OK.

2. Let me think about that. Sometimes, my friends who don’t follow Jesus have some great questions. In fact, I have some really smart, educated friends who don’t follow Jesus and they often ask me something that causes me to pause. I tell them I would like to think about what they have said. I’d like to process and pray and let it sink in. I assure them I’m not retreating to get more ammunition. It’s important for our friends to know that we’re listening—they are being heard. I want them to know  I’m genuinely thinking about what we’ve talked about. Not only does this keep our conversation moving, but it helps me to truly think about hard things.

3. I’m sorry that happened. Christians can be jerks. For clarity, humans can be jerks. But sometimes a Christian will parrot a bumper sticker answer to a cataclysmic question. In this moment, I apologize for them. I tell my friend that the guy on Facebook doesn’t speak for all Christians. I apologize for the way Christ-followers have mixed their politics and faith. I lament with them over the way some Jesus people have lied and hurt them. I’m not apologizing for the crusades or how the church remained silent during the Civil rights era. Not because those weren’t terrible and embarrassing seasons for the church. I just want to keep this conversation current and up-to-date. So, when it’s appropriate, I say I’m sorry.

4. I was wrong. I’m pretty good at this one. I’ve been married almost 23 years so I’ve said this phrase my fair share of times. When it comes to a faith conversation, like any conversation, contrition is foundational to trust. So when my attitude has an edge or my anger goes off the rails or when I begin to make things too personal, I do my best to admit I am wrong. The thing is, they already knew it. I’m just naming it. And my friendship is the better for it.

5. Let’s meet again. We’re not looking to mark off notches on our evangelism belt. The idea of shaking the dust off our relationships when people don’t immediately place their faith in Christ is a ridiculous notion. I didn’t begin to understand the beauty and weight of the gospel for more than a year after I first heard about it. Thankfully, those closest to me were patient and kind and they kept showing up. These days, when I have a conversation about Jesus with someone, I settle in my heart that I don’t have to close the deal. My only compulsion is to meet again. With every lunch date or cup of coffee I’m trusting that God is drawing people to himself.

I’m sure there are 100 other things that would be helpful to say when having a conversation with someone about Jesus. This where I start. I’d love to hear how God is cultivating this in your life.