I have a little saying that’s always a shock to good, wholesome church folk.  I parrot it because it stirs up great conversation, but mostly, because it’s reality. Here it is:

Everyone leaves the church. #truestory

Eventually, everyone leaves the church—either on their own terms and for any number of reasons. Or folks leave because they’re being carried out in a pine box. But everyone eventually leaves. The leaving and the adjustment to their absence is normal in church life. People come and people go. We do our best to enjoy them while they’re with us, honor who they are as image bears of God, and send them off well when they leave. But everyone leaves the church.

I’ve already written extensively on why people leave churches, but it got my brain juices flowing on how people leave.  That is, there is a right way to leave a church and a wrong way to leave a church. This is simply a first draft idea, but in two decades of ministry I’ve seen my fair share of ungodly exoduses:

 THE HOW NOTS

 If you’re planning on leaving a church and would like to do it in a way that dishonors and disparages leaders and is, quite frankly, despicable, do this:

1. Disappear like it’s the rapture. Stop showing up. Stop returning phone calls. Block texts. Unfriend on social media. You might as well work for the CIA because you’ve erased your church existence. We get it—you just don’t want to be found!

2. Leave in a group. Leaving a church is hard, and because of this painful reality, grab a friend (or two or three) and leave the church together. It’s basically like a small group activity! 

3. Rant like an activist. Go to social media and blast the church—they probably deserve it! Nothing communicates the love of Jesus more to an already jaded culture than for Christians to run down their former community. 

4. Leave like a leaky tire. Slowly, gradually, just stop showing up. This is a fairly effective strategy if you want to confirm your suspicion that the church won’t notice your absence. Those jerks!

THE HOWS

 Since your community is made up of people you have walked with for a season (or two or ten), don’t just leave, leave well. Leave in a way that honors them and keeps your integrity intact. Leave your church:

1. With a phone call. Not with a text or Facebook message, or even with a classy written note on your personal stationery. Be an adult and have a real conversation. Call the pastor or a pastor you’re in relationship with at your church and let them know, “Hey, I didn’t want to disappear and have you wonder—we’re looking for a new church.” This honors the leaders, sets the record straight, and keeps you loving the local church.

2. With a heads up. Most adults don’t quit a job with no notice. So don’t quit your current church from one Sunday to the next. Again, be an adult. Most churches depend on you to serve kids, open doors, feed the poor, or serve in whatever way you are partnering in the local church. (If you’re not serving regularly, you probably have bigger issues!) It will be honoring to give your church a timeline. “Our last Sunday will be one month from today.” That gives your leaders the margin to fill a spot and not have a general freak-out because of your exit.

3. With real reasons. Please don’t give the over-spiritual, “We prayed about it and God has told us to leave.” [Cue long eye-roll] We get it. You prayed. But go ahead and give some of the reasons why you began praying that prayer in the first place. Just tell them. We can’t find community here. We don’t like the kid’s ministry. Our children keep getting beat up. We want more this, less that.Just be honest.

4. With a blessing. Leave the church on good terms and with a blessing. Pray for the church—for their growth, influence, and leadership. Go the extra mile and write a few handwritten notes to leaders who have impacted your life while attending there. Bless the church and praise God that he used this community of regular, frail, broken people to move you to a greater place of dependence on Jesus.