Today marks 21 years married to the same woman—the same fingerprints and social security number and DNA, but not really the same woman. Meaning, she is the same person I made vows to, but the woman I now wake up to on Saturday mornings is entirely different. Yes, the same quick smile and warm touch, but now empowered with time and wisdom. Same determination and grit, but some of the sharp edges have been worn off by the sandpaper of disappointment and pain. I joined my life with Amy Elizabeth Wilson in 1997, but who I am married to in 2018 is someone entirely new.
Amy really is the best version of herself.
She is more seasoned, generous, forgiving, optimistic, prayerful, faithful. More kind too. That may be what I like most about her these days. She is kind. But not the lazy, prideful kindness of those who parade their good deeds on social media for all to see. Hers is a kindness of persistence in quiet moments where very few will see and appreciate. It’s the kindness of saying yes to one of our children when a no would provide the path of least resistance. Creating a good meal for me or grabbing my hand in public (though she hates it) or laughing at one of my jokes. All kindnesses. And she isn’t Machiavellian in her kindnesses either—no ulterior motives to speak of.
Something flows from everyone’s heart. Kindness is what comes out of hers. She is kind to me, to our children, to guests who grace our home, to strangers and the poor. I love this about her.
Twenty-one years together means thousands of moments that have been formative for us, our children, our church, our future and even our eternity. Dwelling on her kindness is akin to the stones of remembrance that the Hebrews were told to place in the Jordan. Don’t forget!, God would say. These years that have felt like months have created in us something substantive and secure. A marriage that is good. Not perfect or sexy or romantic. Good though. I like this word, good. An adjective that God uses to describe the fully adorned splendor of an unstained creation—Good. Six days of labor and a day of rest to enjoy—Good. Marriage is work to be sure. And it does represent something true and perfect in the universe. It’s good on all counts.
In honor of these years together here are the seven things that make our marriage good:
1. We never ever say the word divorce. This may seem like a small, inconsequential thing, but it has proven to be an anchor for us when the marriage waves turn into tsunamis. Because we determined to never let this word escape our lips we’ve never let our arguments drift anywhere but reconciliation.
2. We eat together. Our greatest times of enjoyment as a couple have always been across from each other over a meal and a glass of wine/coffee. In some ways food has served as a means of grace to our hearts.
3. We have fun together. A family that plays together really does stay together. Trips and weekends and backyard whiffle ball…I wish I would had learned this earlier, but this truth has kept our marriage and family fresh and fun.
4. We laugh together. “A cheerful heart is good medicine” isn’t just proverbial wisdom. Laughter truly has kept our hearts healthy and been spiritual penicillin when we felt sick in darker times.
5. We forgive. Like most things, Amy does this better and faster. She is a peacemaker at heart. Forgiveness is a team sport and because of this, we do it together. It takes practice and grace and Jesus, but we’ve had 21 years to learn the beauty of what it means to be forgiven.
6. Our children have never been our ultimate priority. We love our children ferociously, but they are not our priority. A priority, but not THE priority. Because of this, in the moments that count, we have been able to cherish each other the way we were meant to.
7. Eternity is in our hearts and on our tongues. Not always, but often. We remind ourselves that stuff is stuff and people are people, but eternity is forever. We try to keep that straight and because of that, our marriage is good.
There are 10,000 words I could write about what I love about Amy (you can read some of them here) and our marriage. 10,000 more about how I fail and my frailty is a constant danger to the beauty of what God has created. But today I will just celebrate 21 years of God’s faithfulness and goodness over our life and marriage.
