A couple years ago my wife and I got sucked into the BBC show Downton Abby. It’s a turn of the century period piece set in England. The narrative follows the lives of those living in the upstairs aristocracy and the downstair commoners who serve them. After mentioning my fascination with the show to a male friend of mine he offhandedly said, “I didn’t know you liked Soap Operas.” He wasn’t intentionally trying to undermine my manhood with the statement (though he did), he was just making an observation. I was upset with him until I found out, if you didn’t already know, Downton is a full on chic drama. I’m not sure how I missed it?! Lady Mary’s up and down relationships, Countess Crawlies incessant need to be the center of attention, upstairs/downstairs love affairs and don’t get me started on Matthew’s untimely death. All that was missing was a psychic twin who shows up after 25 years to take over the estate. I’m embarrassed because I got sucked in to the drama and I liked it. I might as well have been watching a Days Of Our Lives Marathon. It turns out drama is good TV. But what makes good T.V., does not make good living.
Drama, real-life drama, is exhausting. Too many tears, second guessing, backroom conversations and hurt feelings end up paralyzing us to make changes that are sustainable. Ex-husbands, passive-aggressive sisters, unhappy co-workers, and every other relational fracture thinkable is the breeding ground for drama. Yet be encouraged—drama does not have to define your life. Healthy and robust relationships, rooted in honesty, grace and forgiveness, are possible and more importantly probable–if you will do the work.
Here are a few suggestions if you find yourself getting sucked into a real life Maury Povich show:
Starve The Drama. It’s hard to be patient and full of kindness when you are the target of full on mama-drama. When life gets personal, choosing between “a kind answer turns away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1) or “I will cut you if you say another word!” is almost an impossibility. But if you want the drama to stop, no matter what the drama—starve it. Drama feeds on drama. Proverbs 17:14 gives us good advice, “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out.” Or Proverbs 17:9, “…he who repeats a matter separates close friends.” In other words, stop talking because you may actually be the one keeping this little drama-fest going.
Engage with Grace. If your face is still a mascara mess after starving drama, it’s time step up your game with grace. It’s time to make a phone call, have a difficult conversation and get to the bottom of the issue. Is there unforgiveness, hurt feelings or an unsettled past? Deal with it by the power of grace. Grace means you don’t have to win or be right or get your validation. Grace drags us kicking and screaming through our insecurities to the place we want to go—reconciliation. Don’t let drama ruin a friendship, marriage or church. Engage with the most powerful weapon you have, the grace of God.
Boundaries. If all else fails, create a safe space. Don’t start with boundaries. Boundaries are your last line of defense for ending drama. After you have starved it, engaged it and pursued God’s best for the drama queen/king in your life, THEN you set up some boundaries. Boundaries are not passive-aggressive silent treatments in which you penalize someone for not living up to your expectations of emotional health. Boundaries mean you are allowing some doors to stay open so that reconciliation can still take place; at the same time you are locking other doors that lead to places that are reserved for those who are out for your best. These people no longer get full access to your life. Boundaries can be incredibly helpful in minimizing life’s drama.
One last tip when it comes to drama . . .
Stay off Social Media. Drama happens. Messy divorces, break-ups, firings, and the like are common fare among social media veterans. We love to post the most recent injustice and just wait for our friends to validate our tantrums, and even worse, our public unforgiveness. Posting our most recent grievance with an ex or co-worker or church on a public domain is not the key to disarming drama, but only creating a powder keg of greater conflict. Pick up the phone and call the person. Stop looking for allies and wave the flag of ceasefire. If you want the drama to stop, then stop it.
