James 1:19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.
My step-dad was a naval navigation officer on spy planes. Very cool for a 10 year old. Problem is, I only found this out years later after he retired. He almost never talked about it. Phrases like, “If I told you, I’d have to kill you” were not said in jest. Then there are people in my life (and probably yours…in fact, they’re probably the same people) that won’t shut up. They insist on giving you and I every detail about their life, problems and future dreams. They are certainly NOT slow to speak…and what often ensues is me becoming quick to anger.
I wonder though, where is the tension in our relationships as it relates to speaking and listening? Meaning, in every friendship there is give and take. There is sharing and listening; speaking and processing; confessing and praying through. In other words, a friend that only speaks fails to honor the balance of true friendship. A couple ideas for our friendships:
1. Listen more, talk less
Being “quick to listen” is good advice for anyone that wants to cultivate long lasting friendships. If you find yourself going through friends like you do toilet paper, it may have everything to do with your inability to keep your mouth shut. Friends don’t just want to be sounding boards for your ideas and dreams. They (you and me) want to know they are loved and protected in community. Listen to them. Cheer their dreams on. Pray big prayers on their behalf.
2. Speak only what is encouraging
This is not Joel Osteen theology. The Apostle Paul tells us in Ephesians 4:29, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs.” Meaning, while everyone needs some time to blow off steam, more often than not, our language should build up and encourage. Because we’re all the hero’s in our own story, we need to be disciplined to ask someone that will be honest with us, “What % of my language is negative? How much do I complain and argue?” I was surprised to find out several years ago, after asking this question, that I was incredibly negative. Of course I loved to couch my negativity in, “Hey, I’m just being honest!” But the result was that nobody wanted to be around me.
3. Keep your opinions to yourself
We all think we’re right…all the time. And while opinions really are a dime a dozen, we believe that everyone should bow to our thoughts on everything from carpet color to Interlapsarian theology. And who knows, you and I may actually be right. But being right and being asked for our opinion are two different things. I’ve found in friendship that if someone wants my opinion, they will ask me for it. Until then… “quick to listen, slow to speak…” We have an unwritten policy among our pastoral team that we only take people’s opinions seriously that are willing to invest. That is, no investment…no opinion. This is true in friendships as well. If we aren’t willing to get involved in the crap of people’s lives, it’s always best to keep our opinions to ourselves.
Life-takers are everywhere. Commit with me today to be a life-giver by speaking encouraging words and becoming a great listener!
